Kelly Green With Envy
by Lisa Christine Svenson
Their eyes met. His said, "Hello, I'm nearsighted." Hers replied, "I'm 20/20 and only deal with perfection." This threw him for a loop and his pupils dilated. Hers reacted with disgust and rolled deep into her head. Realizing his fatal blunder, his closed for eternity. And thus it was once again proven, there is no such thing as love at first sight.
Kelly was strolling down the avenue. Her gait
was not unlike that of a penguin. She went this way and that way
and this way and that way. She was one who loved to stroll, even
on this dreary, rainy day. Her long white gown saturated hours
before, water running through her long, lush hair like streams
on a mountain, Kelly no longer paid heed to her physical appearance.
Thoughts of him kept running through her head.
The man was a dream. Kelly couldn't allow it to be over. She would
get him back, she knew, and she was working out a plan in her
Meanwhile, back at The Heart of the Matter,
the apartment complex where Bertrand lived, things were really
hopping. They weren't sure exactly what kind of things these animals
were, but they only had one leg. Yes, things were hopping. Watching
these things helped Bertrand to forget about Kelly for a while.
The vodka also helped. He knew that Kelly was wrong for him, but
still, it hurt to realize that he would never see her bloodshot
In the lounge, the waves of conversation were
flooding his brain. The sight of the buxom waitress in her mini
skirt sent an icy chill up his spine. Such fat legs should never
be viewed, he was thinking. What disturbed him more was that she
moonlighted as a stripper. The thought of her abundant flesh was
too much for him, so he returned to his room to saturate his pillow
with tears and with whatever phlegm happened to fall from his
As Kelly walked through the streets, she noticed
a strange man following her. He was extremely short and an unbuttoned
shirt revealed ample pale flesh and a surplus of short curly hair.
His lavender spandex pants did not match his plaid flannel shirt
and did not impress her. A single thick chain was suspended from
his neck, but most of the gold paint had come off due to poor
personal hygiene. His sole redeeming feature was a pair of freshly
polished brown wing-tip shoes. He was wearing a pine green fedora
atop his sparse hair. Kelly was scared and frightened at the same
time. She turned and punched him in the face, which knocked him
unconscious for several hours. She quickened her pace and headed
When Melvin awoke, he found himself flat on
his back and staring into a crowd of amused bystanders. He realized
that the pool of liquid around his head was his own blood. He
would have blushed if he'd had enough blood to do so. Then it
all came back to him. He knew then it was love. At least in his
eyes. But they were obviously short-sighted. He was able to lift
himself from the ground with the assistance of a rather burly
man in the crowd. His head spun several times, but then the muscles
would go no further. He turned it back to its original position
and began the quest that would last a lifetime.
Bertrand awoke with a nasty hangover. The room
seemed to be spinning. He closed his eyes for some time and when
he opened them again, he discovered that the room actually was
spinning. In fact, The Heart of the Matter was spinning in its
entirety. All this being too much for him to bear, he passed out
for some time, awakened only by the ringing of his fish phone.
He thought for a moment about whether he should really answer
it. He decided on the forty-third ring that it was probably an
urgent call, so he picked it up. It was Kelly.
Kelly Green was calling from a pay phone outside
the city. She told Bertrand that she had to get to The Heart of
the Matter. He told her it was spinning and he didn't know how
she could get in. She told him nothing could stop a woman in love
and within moments of hanging up, she was knocking on his door.
Bertrand opened the door and vomited at the same time. Dizziness
had overcome him. Kelly rushed into his waiting arms and picked
him up from the floor. She placed him lightly in his recliner
and called the manager who quickly found the problem and stopped
Kelly and Bertrand talked for some time and
began to realize that there was no way they could live without
one another. They decided upon an immediate marriage. The minister
was there within the hour and the ceremony was over before noon.
Immediately after the minister left, there was a knock on the
door. It was Melvin. He realized he was too late to have Kelly,
so he left. But that was not the end of Melvin.
After years of marital bliss, Kelly and Bertrand
were finally realizing that theirs was not a perfect relationship.
One day when Bertrand was traveling to Sacramento, Kelly received
a call from Melvin. He couldn't live without her. He had to see
her that night. Kelly agreed to meet with him, but only in a small
nightclub in a nearby suburb. When she saw him, he was dressed
in the lavender spandex pants, only this time he wore a pink shirt
with them and she found herself drawn to him like dust to a vacuum
cleaner. After dancing and exchanging fishing stories for the
whole evening, they knew they were in love.
Kelly phoned Bertrand to inform him of her
plans for a divorce. Bertrand was stunned but relieved that the
relationship was ending peacefully. They agreed to remain friends
and to meet twice a week for dinner and dancing. Their love would
never die. That is what they thought, anyway. One night after
Melvin and Kelly had been married for four years, Kelly and Bertrand
met for dinner and realized they hated one another. Melvin came
to the restaurant to take Kelly away forever. Bertrand ordered
another drink and called over the heavy-set waitress mentioned
earlier. They lived happily ever after.
Copyright 2000 Lisa Christine Svenson