Look Who's Coming To Dinner
by Lisa Christine Svenson

Note the ferocious genetically mutated giant rat in the photograph!


Rosalyn: A completely average-looking woman

Waldo: A giant rat

Herman: A giant rat

Thurmon: A giant rat

Jermaine: A giant rat

Mrs. Lumpwald: A physically large woman

Mr. Lumpwald: A slender, small, timid, middle-aged man (one could call him "mousey" if one were looking for puns)

Carla: An extremely attractive, shapely young woman

Sergeant McFlannagan: A heavy, middle-aged police officer

Officer Smith: A young police officer

Bunsen Burner: An attractive young laboratory assistant


Setting: An underlit laboratory. There are jars with strange things inside of them, but they cannot be identified.

Rosalyn: It's a dark and stormy night.
Waldo: Yes, it is.
Rosalyn: Oh, Waldo, I fear I am frightened.
Waldo: Gee, Rosalyn, I'm scared, too.
Rosalyn: You were supposed to offer to comfort me, and protect me from the dark and storm.
Waldo: Who's going to protect me?
Rosalyn: I should have listened to my father and not trusted a man who asked me to study with him in a Biology Lab.
Waldo: It isn't that bad.
Rosalyn: What about the genetically mutated giant rats that got away?
Waldo: They're harmless. I removed their teeth. And Herman just trimmed their claws this morning. He says a rat isn't a rat without the perfect manicure.
Rosalyn: But they're hideously ugly, Waldo. They're beginning to look like you. Oh, no! Waldo, are you a genetically mutated giant rat?
Waldo: Oh, did I forget to mention that?
Rosalyn: Somebody, help me! Help! Help!

(Rosalyn passes out. When she awakens, she feels as if she is surrounded. This is indeed the case.)

Herman: Oh, no!! It's a human!! And it's alive!!
(He begins screaming and jumping on a chair.)
Waldo: Really, Herman, she's harmless. I captured her myself. I think I want to keep her. Just think of what we can do to her brain.
Jermaine: We could give her a lobotomy.
Thurmon: We could put her in a maze.
Jermaine: We could use her to lure scientists and then we could really have a party.
Herman: She still gives me the creeps.
Waldo: Can I keep it?
Thurmon: I don't know. What if she gets loose? Think of the mess she'll make!! These things are always breeding.
Jermaine: If we used that new lock I devised, there would be no way for her to escape.
Thurmon: Let's take a vote on it. All in favor say, "Cheese."
All: Cheese.
Herman: As long as you keep it away from me.

(Rosalyn passes out again. Can you blame her?)


Setting: Same laboratory, daylight. The things in the jars look like canned fruit.

Rosalyn: It was a dark and stormy night.
Waldo: It's over. But don't talk. Let's just enjoy the moment.
(They look on as Jermaine, Herman, and Thurmon finish construction of a cage.)
Thurmon: I still think it would have looked nicer in green.
Jermaine: But women love pink.
Herman: Let's just get it finished and lock her up. I don't like having it here. Maybe we should just take it outside and set it free.
Rosalyn: Waldo, I think I love you.
Waldo: Okay, I'll visit you once a day at four o'clock sharp for one hour.
Rosalyn: No, Waldo, what I mean is, if I love you and you trust me, I don't need to be kept in a cage.
Jermaine: Shut her up!
Thurmon: Lock her up!
Herman: Get rid of her!


Setting: The Lumpwald home. It is neat with not much decoration.

Mrs. L: Where could Rosalyn have gone?
Mr. L: I told you, "Don't let her go out with a boy who we haven't met!" Do you know what you said? "No," you said. I said, "Shouldn't he at least pick her up?" Do you know what you said? "No," you said. If you had listened to me, which I might add, you never do, we wouldn't have gotten into this mess.
Mrs. L: Blame it all on me. Go ahead. You helped make her, you know.
Mr. L: But I didn't say she could go out with some low-life, now, did I?
Mrs. L: Enough abuse. Call the police.
Mr. L: No, you call the police.
Mrs. L: I told you to do it first.
Mr. L: But I'm the man here.
Mrs. L: And I'm bigger than you.
Mr. L: Was that a threat?
Carla: I'll call the police!! How did you two end up marrying each other, anyway?
(Carla leaves to make the call.)
Mr. L: You forced me into marriage.
Mrs. L: Maybe I would have forced someone nice, but I wouldn't force you.
Mr. L: You said you'd tell my parents you found me under the bench in the girls' locker room if I didn't.
Mrs. L: I did not. You never would have had the guts to go near the locker room.
Mr. L: You did, too. I didn't go into the locker room, but I might have if you hadn't been there.
Carla: They're on their way. I assume you're still fighting.
Mr. L: Are not.
Mrs. L: We would never fight.
Carla: That doesn't matter. Rosalyn is missing. Don't you care?
Mrs. L: Are you accusing us of not caring? For our own flesh and blood?
Mr. L: We wouldn't have to worry if you hadn't let her go out with a low-life.


Setting: Back in the lab again. Waldo is visiting Rosalyn.

Rosalyn: Waldo, do you love me?
Waldo: It's hard to say. It's normal to love your pets, isn't it?
Rosalyn: No, I mean LOVE me. Really love me.
Waldo: This relationship is becoming too intense. I'd better leave.
Rosalyn: But you hour isn't up yet. We mustn't interfere with conditioning.
Waldo: Emotions do not interfere with my research. I will stay with you, but don't get mushy on me.
Rosalyn: Thank you, Waldo.
Herman: Can we get rid of it yet? (He is peering fearfully through the bars.) I can't eat knowing that it's here. I'll die of starvation, then it might feed me to, to, to a CAT!
Waldo: Hour's up. See you tomorrow.
Rosalyn: So long, dear Waldo.


Setting: At the Lumpwalds' again.

Sgt. McF: All right. I have her picture. She's not as nice as Carla, I might add.
Off. S: Carla's got nice legs, too.
Sgt. McF: Oh, and such a cute little heiney.
Off. S: And such firm...
Carla: Thank you, Officer Smith, Sergeant McFlannagan.
Off. S: Thighs. Very firm thighs.
Carla: Just find Rosalyn, please.
Mr. L: I said she shouldn't go out with him.
Mrs. L: You say one more word and I'll smack you.
Mr. L: Officers, do you help in matters like this?
Sgt. McF: We've never had a husband wimpy enough to be pushed around by his wife before.
Off. S: Beautiful eyes.
Carla: Just leave and don't come back until you know where my sister is.
(She closes the door behind them.)


Setting: Meanwhile, back in the lab.

(Lab assistant Bunsen Burner has just broken into the lab that the rats took over.)

Bunsen: Free the woman.
Jermaine: Never!
Thurmon: Never!
Waldo: How much are you willing to pay?
Herman: If you insist...
Jermaine: We would never give this woman to such a good-looking hunk.
Thurmon: We want to torture her, not make her happy.
Rosalyn: I hate this cage.
Bunsen: Don't worry, lady. I brought plastic explosives.
Herman: He can have her. Get them away from me. Humans give me the creeps.
Thurmon: Okay, you can have her. Please don't blow up our lab.
Bunsen: Come on lady. Where do you live?
Rosalyn: I hate my home.
Bunsen: But where is it?
Rosalyn: Are you going to take me there?
Bunsen: Yes.
Rosalyn: I'm not telling.
Bunsen: Pleeeeeeeeease.
Rosalyn: Okay, if you insist.
Bunsen: We're off, you evil, genetically mutated giant rats. You can't fool real scientists. Ha ha ha.


Setting: The Lumpwald home.

(Rosalyn and Bunsen are outside the door knocking frantically.)

Carla: Coming, coming! (She opens the door.) Rosalyn! (She looks at Bunsen and it's love at first sight.) Hello there.
Bunsen: (He is also in love.) Hello there.
Carla: Come in, come in. Mom, Dad, Rosalyn's home!
Mr. L: Good. Now I'll make the rules for her.
Mrs. L: It was not my fault.
Mr. L: It was, too.
Mrs. L: Was not.
Rosalyn: I'm glad you're happy to see me.
Mrs. L: Of course we are.
Mr. L: I suppose so.
Carla: (to Bunsen) So, what's your name?
Bunsen: Bunsen. Bunsen Burner.
Carla: What a lovely name.
Bunsen: What's your name?
Carla: Carla.
Bunsen: Carla what?
Carla: I hate to say this. Carla Lumpwald.
Bunsen: Lumpwald? I love it. Next time I discover a disease, I'll name it after you.
Carla: How romantic.
Bunsen: Would you care for dinner tonight? I know this great fast food place on the other side of town.
Carla: Oh, that sounds wonderful.
Rosalyn: You can't go out with a lab assistant.
Carla: Why not?
Rosalyn: He hates genetically mutated giant rats.
Carla: So do I.
Mrs. L: So do I.
Mr. L: Well, I guess I do, too.
Mrs. L: Did you agree with me?
Mr. L: I think I did.
Mrs. L: You mean, after all these years, you finally broke down?
Mr. L: Maybe you finally said something right.
Mrs. L: Let's have a party!! We agreed!!
Carla: Can Bunsen come?
Mrs. L: Of course! He's the one we have to thank!

(Rosalyn starts to slip out, but is caught at the door by Officer Smith and Sergeant McFlannagan.)

Sgt. McF: Well, look who's here! Much nicer in real life than in pictures.
Off. S: But not as nice as Carla!
Sgt. McF: Where was she?
Bunsen: I rescued her from a cage in the Biology Lab. She had been kidnapped by genetically mutated giant rats.
Sgt. McF: Interesting. Are they involved in any other illegal activities? Drugs perhaps?
Bunsen: Not that I noticed.
(Rosalyn slips out.)
Sgt. McF: Well, we'll keep an eye on them.
Carla: Come on up to my room, Bunsen. You can help me with my chemistry.
Bunsen: Oh, I love chemistry!!
(They slip away upstairs.)
Mrs. L: Where's Rosalyn?
Mr. L: She's gone.
Mrs. L: She left without asking!
Mr. L: She left on her own. Let's let her be until she realizes that home is where we are.
Mrs. L: I think I love you.
Mr. L: I think I might love you, too.
Sgt. McF: How sweet. Let's leave, Smith. I think they've finally got their lives under control.
Off. S: (Sniff...Sniff)...It's so perfect...
(They leave.)


Setting: Back at the lab.

Waldo: I hear a knock on the door.
Herman: Oh, no, it's probably another human.
Jermaine: Why don't you get it, Waldo?
Thurmon: Jermaine's right. You brought it here in the first place.
Waldo: Now, Thurmon, you know you told me to.
Thurmon: I meant a human male, not a woman. Women are so mushy.
Waldo: I'll get it.
(He gets it.)
Rosalyn: Waldo, my love, I came back. I love you.
Waldo: What about Bunsen?
Rosalyn: Oh, that creep? My sister's in love with him.
Waldo: Rosalyn, let's run away and get married.
Rosalyn: Oh, Waldo, I thought you'd never ask.
(They leave.)
Herman: Geez, people...
(The rats laugh.)

The End

Copyright 2000 Lisa Christine Svenson